Reflections on the Experience of
Spiritual Direction
A Direct Director
Spiritual direction has provided me with a place to explore what I am called to both personally and communally, and to learn to see myself from another's perspective. You see, I hear the call to live a simple life, and gave up a legal career to serve some of the most marginalized of God's beloved. While there is little or no financial compensation, I've grown in trust that God will provide as I seek to live a God-based life in this world. That's my personal call - and yet I also hear and respond to the call to intentional Christian community. Listening for how they fit together is not easy. For a time I thought I was being called to life in a religious order.
As I researched different orders and met with various sisters I encountered block after block to joining. I was working on changing myself to better fit into an order, when my director said, "It's just not a fit for you. I know you and I know the orders. It simply is not a fit at this time. You are a prophet and there are not many places where you'll fit into a community. Let's concentrate on your ministry with God and see what happens." I immediately felt incredible relief. She helped me to see who I am and how I am being called by God in a way that I've not been open to or aware of in previous work with others. While others prefer a different style of director, for me a direct director is a perfect fit. I feel like I'm with the right person for this part of my spiritual journey.
Jean Holsten, Director Spirit in the Arts and directee
Driving Myself?
I have enjoyed living in the Napa Valley because of its accessibility by car to anyplace within the greater Bay Area. So, as the Spirit would have it during my recent 3-month sabbatical, I was led to a new spiritual director who lives in Marin County.
Prior to seeing her, I began reflecting on the ministries I'd been part of over the years, and how the ability to drive has supported me. Realizing I'd been on the road (for and with God) for over 30 years was a surprise! My prayers were soon filled with miles of geographical breadth. Memories flooded my mind with days, weekends, weeks, months of trainings, workshops, conferences, and retreats in which I've participated. Packing clothes and sometimes sleeping bag; gathering art supplies, musical equipment, and more was part of it. And then there were the years of commuting to seminary, parish ministry, continuing education classes, further trainings, and Bread of Life. All accompanied by overnights with many gracious folk -- friends and relatives -- sprinkling my travel with hospitality, bed and sometimes meals, making a day's end away from home feel like home.
I'd become aware that the sense of burden I was experiencing - the burden which led to my sabbatical - probably came from the diversified nature of many ministries. But I began to wonder if the burden was made heavier by the travel that had silently supported it all.
I laugh at the irony of the next sentences. With driving utmost in mind, I drove to see my new spiritual director. My intent? To tell her about all the driving of my last 30+ years - ha! By telling her my story (which claimed the major portion of our session), I noted confusion around my ministries and the notion of letting go of some to do others. She responded quietly, "You may want to ask how you have been driving yourself."
The words were familiar. Of Course! With all this driving, I am driving myself. Of Course! Even so, as I drove home, her words resonated in me over and over again. I knew deep in my bones there was something about the correlation between driving my car and driving myself that was going to be revealed.
Since one of my spiritual practices is making SoulCollage Prayer Cards, I sorted through magazine images looking for ones to reflect how I drive myself. A photo of a massive freeway interchange (bird's eye view) with roads and cars going every which way caught my eye. It became the starting point of a card that took all day to make.
When finished, the card depicted something far beyond me driving myself -- something broader, deeper, wider, higher emerged. Vivid elements of earth, air, fire, and water were carefully interwoven beneath the substructure of the freeway exchange, fairly lifting the image off the page, expressing to me who was really in the "driver's seat." Like God speaking to Job out of the whirlwind, God spoke to me out of this visual representation, beneath and around it all--God, my ground of being.
A couple days later something in me shifted. My ministry and response to God's call once again came into focus, but with different awareness. I knew in a felt way that all the years of driving had been an expression of my faithfulness! In a moment of wonderment the burden lifted and in its place came lightness and a positive realization as to how I might continue to support my ministries, with driving as part!
"You may want to ask yourself how you have been driving yourself."
Neither I nor my spiritual director foresaw how her "guidance" would unfold, but it was her listening ear and her noticing that began the reflective process. I look back and see I expected a negative, self-defeating answer to that inquiry. But God had something else in mind. The spiritual nudging allowed me to see how "my driving myself" was both a response to call and an act of faith.
Marjorie Hoyer Smith, spiritual director and directee
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